Strictly Catholicism
by Chibi and The Scourge
Summary: In the world of the competitive priest, Duo was champion. That is, until he decided to change the rules... his way. (mwahahaha!)
1. Default Chapter

Ok, this is slightly blasphemous and based on "Strictly Ballroom". We came up with the idea in English (because we're studying it for English) because we were trying to see what other words fit instead of Ballroom. And then this was born. It's not entirely accurate as far as Catholicism goes, but it entertained us. Enjoy.

~ The Scourge

"speech"

'thoughts'

Strictly Catholicism

~Sister Helen POV~

Helen sniffed dramatically.

"I just don't know what happened. Duo was always such a good boy; he's a champion! He was going straight to the all state finals."

She dabbed a tissue to her eye and shook her head melodramatically.

"This was his year, I just don't understand."

~Tsuberov, Head of the Catholic Corporation POV~

"You see, what we have here is a breach of rules, called by the more experienced 'Loud mouthed off' where a person is over-talked by a fellow competitor and is forced to take drastic measures. Unfortunately for Duo, he went too far."

Tsuberov glared in the red light at the camera.

"And as a member of Priests of Regulated Education In Sermon Training he should be thoroughly disgusted with his actions."

The reporter scratched her head with the tip of her pencil thoughtfully.

"Could you please elaborate on the atrocity, what exactly did he do?"

Tsuberovs face crinkled, his brow furrowed deep into his forehead in anger.

"What didn't he do?!" He thundered.

The reporter politely shifted her chair out of range of Tsuberov, discreetly drying her face.

"I'll tell you exactly what he did!"

~Sister Helen POV~

"He ruined his chances!"

Father Maxwell meekly patted the wailing woman on the shoulder, who promptly smacked his hand off.

"You never cared Max, you always put your wild seminary stories in his head and now he's thrown his life away."

Father Maxwell sat back on the couch away from the hissing woman.

"I'm sorry Dear."

She glared at him one final time before plastering a woeful expression on her face and turned to the reporter.

"If only that boy listened, we all said it was too high but, but-"

Sister Helen burst into theatrical tears again. Father Maxwell sighed.

~Heero POV~

"Does it make you uncomfortable that your cassock looks like a dress?"

"…………"

He glared with all his might at the woman, small beads of sweat gathering on his forehead. Did reporters have some kind of immunity against these things? He closed his eyes and took a deep breath. Time for the Yuy death-glare.

*Flashback*

"Our father who art in Heaven, hallowed…"

Duo raised an eyebrow angrily at the competitor beside him who was booming the prayer at the judges.

'Fine then, if he thinks he can over talk me…' "… HALLOWED BE THY NAME! THY KNIGDOM COME, THY WILL BE DONE – "

He scowled as the priest beside him reached for a small microphone and smirked at Duo as his voice drowned the braided priest out.

'Oh, you did not just do that! I can't believe you done that!'  "Hilde, swing the incense."

The altar-server looked up at him. "What?!"

"Do it! Swing the incense!"

"But it's not time Duo, it's too early for it!"

"Then if you're not gonna do it pass it over."

"No, Duo! Stop it!"

She shoved the incense out of his reach.

"I'm raising the chalice…"

Hilde smiled in relief. Raising the chalice wasn't too abnormal. Infact, it was considered quite normal.

"…all the way."

"All the way?! What, are you crazy?!"

A crazed grin answered her question. She grabbed on to his arm as he began raising  the chalice, fighting for both their dignity. But she lost out to his strength. Hilde watched in horror as her partner held his arms over his head, parading the glittering object with triumph.

"…ON EARTH AS IT IS IN HEAVEN!!"

The judges gasped at the young priest, all looking to the head of the panel in shock. Tsuberov was foaming at the mouth. A hush descended the crowd, some elderly woman fainting from the heightened tension as Tsuberov stood up and pointed a finger at Duo.

"FATHER MAXWELL! GET OUT OF MY BUILDING NOW!!"

Another priest quietly moved out of Tsuberovs way, slowly using his vestments to dry his face.

*End flashback*

~Heero POV~

"…………" 'Almost got her.'

"Do you ever get drunk on the alter wine?"

Heero increased the intensity…

_____________________________________


	2. loosing my religion

Title: Strictly Catholicism 

Authoresses: chibi and the scourge

Warnings: slightly blasphemous on the catholic religion (which we are both a part of… more or less) there will be yaoiness and slashyness and a lot of silliness too, and also, it could be slightly confusing if you haven't seen the movie this is based on- Strictly Ballroom.

Disclaimer: *sigh* nope, not yet, we don't own any of it, not even the plot, but we do own the idea  a teeny-tiny bit…

A/N: heydee-ho peeps, tis moi, chibidark angel, second half of chibi and the scourge, and I'm here with the second chapter of our fic, written by your truly. I hope you like it, please remember to read and review! Oh yeah, and thanks to our single reviewer: Gigglegal! Thanks for your review, sorry that it's slightly confusing, I suppose you really do have to have seen the movie *shrugs* oh well, I hope you like this chapter!

So, on with the chapter!

Chapter One: Loosing my religion…

*At mass-telling studio*

In the beginners section, a row of people stood, raising their hands, blessing themselves in time with the choir singing in the background. Sister Helen stood in front of them, smiling and saying, "Well done, that's great. Don't forget to look at your most innocent!"

Off in the corner, Heero stood, muttering to himself, as he passed incense and communion hosts to his 'invisible partner,' while sprinkling holy water on the floor around him. Suddenly the door to the studio was thrown open and an irate Duo stormed through, a fuming Howard quickly following him.

"You can't run away Duo!" Howard shouted (in his indoor voice), "What you did at the competition was inconceivable! And poor Hilde, she was traumatised! You owe us an explanation mister!"

"I don't care about Hilde, or the stupid competition!" Duo shouted as he whirled around in anger, when suddenly, the door was throw open yet again, to reveal a small woman, with dark navy hair that fell over one eye.

She was dressed in a bright blue long skirt which covered her legs appropriately (i.e. down to her ankles), a large blue top, blue shoes and a blue hand bag which she clutched tightly as she walked in.

"Hilde," Sister Helen greeted warmly, as she glided forward, enveloping her in a hug, "How are you dear?"

"I'm all right," Hilde sniffed, then suddenly snapped, "No thanks to you," as she glared at Duo, who simply gave her a bored look in reply.

"Now Hilde dear, please don't get upset, remember, forgiveness is a virtue," Howard smiled nervously, "And also, Duo would like to apologise for his misbehaviour at the competition, wouldn't you Duo?"

"Listen, I'm not going to apologise for trying out something new," Duo retorted, "Besides, I think it was rather good."

"Oh, you are… insufferable!" Hilde shouted as she stormed past him, knocking Heero to the ground as she went through the door beside him.

"Go to Hell!" Duo shouted back.

Immediately, there was a collective gasp as everyone quickly blessed themselves and an old lady nearby fainted into a crumples heap on the ground. At the same time, Heero managed to pick himself up, groaning, only to be squashed against the wall as Hilde slammed the door open on his face, storming back through. She went to make her way around the alter, when Duo stopped her by jumping in front of her. Huffing indignantly, she turned to go around the other side, only to have Duo block her path yet again. There they stood, glowering at each other, when Duo suddenly started to bless himself. Taken by surprise, and acting on instinct, Hilde started to bless herself too, in perfect sync with Duo. The two suddenly moved so that they were side-by-side at the alter, Duo bowing as Hilde took up the chalice and communion hosts, handing them to Duo as he straightened, while everyone gasped, marvelling at their perfect coordination. In the background a sweet and holy melody started up like an angel singing for the two performers. Confused, everyone slowly turned to look at the one member of the choir who was singing. The singer blushed and ducked his head at the annoyed looks he received, and everyone went back to watching the pair; Hilde swinging the incense in time with Duo's gentle murmurings as he blessed the bread and wine. Sister Helen and Howard smiled and mouthed a big 'Thank-you," up towards the 'Big Guy,' while Heero stared at Duo, his eyes slightly glazed, though it could've been from the fact that he'd hit his head repeatedly in the last few moments… 

As Duo softly said the Our Father, while picking up the chalice, Hilde smirked and muttered, "I knew you'd come to your senses sooner or later," in a very smug tone.

Immediately, Duo's eyes widened, and he snapped out of his obedient trance, as he smirked in a very evil and mischievous way.

'Oh yeah,' he thought, 'Well take this!'

Suddenly his hands raised the chalice up and up, and to everyone's horror, it kept going up, until Duo's hands were stretched fully up in the air, while he shouted out, "THY WILL BE DONE ON EARTH AS IT IS IN HEAVEN! CAN I GET AN AMEN BROTHERS!?"

At this point there were several shock-shock-horror gasps and screams. The old lady who'd managed to pick herself weakly up off the ground, promptly fainted into a crumpled heap again. 

"No, no, NO!" Hilde yelled furiously, throwing the incense down onto the ground, and spinning around to face Duo, immediately her massive blue 'bling-bling,' rosary beads, which she grasped tightly in an effort to calm herself down. 

For a couple of moments, she stood there, shaking with a fiercesome rage, before she let out a yell from between clenched teeth. Turning, she stormed off, catching Heero yet again with the door as she went through to the next room, Duo following close behind. Heero stumbled out from behind the door, leaning against the alter, amidst puddles of holy water, clutching his now definitely black eye.

"God-damn it," he muttered, then quickly cast a glance upwards, as he hastily added, "Sorry."

Meanwhile in the other room, Hilde was sitting on a chair, clutching her rosary beads, while she muttered a string of Hail Mary's to 'calm her nerves,' while Duo paced in front of her in an agitated manner.

"But listen, it could be good, I've got some great ideas, and if you'd only try-" Duo began, when Hilde interrupted him, snapping, "No Duo, I will NOT try them! Why can't you just sick to the original steps, it's the only way to win the CHURCH(1)!"

"But I just don't understand why you won't even look at what I'm trying to do," Duo replied in a frustrated tone, "If you would just think-"

"I don't think!" Hilde screamed, clutching her hair in annoyance.

Back in the class area, the beginner's class had ended and the seniors were all practising. Quatre took his place behind the alter, quietly blessing the communion hosts, while Trowa swung the incense dutifully at his side.

"So what do you think's gonna happen with Duo and Hilde?" Trowa murmured softly, his gaze focused on the incense ball he was swinging.

"I don't know," Quatre replied quietly, as he raised the chalice to the perfect level, "But Hilde's really mad and everyone's talking about Duo and his new moves. He's got some really weird ideas about how we should tell mass and about the relationship between a priest and his alter server."

"Really?" Trowa questioned, glancing at Quatre, who looked at him.

The two paused momentarily, looking at each other almost longingly, before Quatre's eyes hardened and he said, "Yes; crazy ideas which the Catholic Corporation will never accept."

The two immediately turned their heads away from each other and knelt simultaneously, murmuring a prayer.

Over in the other corner, Sister Helen and Howard were kneeling and blessing themselves together.

"What are we going to do?" Sister Helen hissed worriedly.

"Now don't worry," Howard replied reassuringly, "Remember that the Lord is merciful – watch your swinging John! – and he will show Duo the right way – you swing left the right John! – everything will turn out fine," he finished camly, as they straightened, then turned and walked over to another alter where two men were practising. Quickly, he yanked the incense ball off the alter server and showed him how to swing it right, then went back to Sister Helen and said, "I'm sure Duo and Hilde are working things out as we speak."

Immediately the door opened and Hilde appeared with a scream of agony.

"I'm sorry Sister Helen I really am, and the Lord knows I've tried, but your son is impossible!" she cried out angrily, then quickly made her way forward to storm out.

However, her dramatic exit was quickly ruined as she slipped on the holy water beside Heero, and fell to the ground, dragging Heero with her. Promptly, Heero leapt up and went out of the classroom, while Sister Helen and Howard rushed forward to help Hilde up, and Duo appeared in the room.

"Hilde, Hilde dear, are you all right?" Sister Helen cried out worriedly, as Howard tried to help the small woman up, while trying at the same time not to touch any 'inappropriate,' places, as she kept slipping on the water under her.

Sister Helen suddenly turned on Duo, who was leaning against the wall, watching the whole scene with an expression of boredom bordering onto helpless laughter.

"Why won't you help her?" she snapped, before pleadingly adding, "She's your partner Duo!"

"Not if she won't listen to my ideas she isn't," Duo replied stubbornly.

"You're ideas are stupid, and they won't win-ah!" Hilde screamed, as she slipped once again, only to fall on top of Howard, who quickly righted her, and stepped back, his cheeks tinged with red, "This isn't what I wanted!"

"Well what do you want!?" Duo yelled in exasperation.

There was a moment of total silence, while Hilde struggled to convey her feelings of anger and need, and Duo waited, before Hilde suddenly and quietly spoke.

"What do I want?" she said quietly, before adding in an annoyed and loud voice, "I'll tell you what I want: I wish that Zechs Merquise would come in here and say that Lucrezia Noin's broken both her arms and he wants to tell mass with me!"

*somewhere*

Noin screamed for help as an elderly lady beat at her arms with her hefty handbag, shouting, "Try to bless me eh? I'll show you!" 

And with that, the old lady continued her assault on Noin's precious hands and arms.

*back at the studio*

The door opened and a flash of brilliant heavenly white light blinded the occupants of the room momentarily. On cue, the sound of an angel's tune started up, and everyone turned to glare at the single choir member who was singing yet again. The singer blushed, ducked his head and gave an innocent grin, then turned to gaze with the rest in awe at the figure who, after giving a thumbs-up sign and saying, "That'll do guys, thanks for the spiffy entrance, you never fail to please me," to his personal lighting crew behind him, had entered the room.

Sparkling blond hair cascaded down his back, crystal clear blue eyes gazed serenely out at everyone, and perfectly holy white teeth showed, as Zechs Merquise – king of the CHURCH – opened his mouth, and said in a quick, rather emotionless tone, "Lucrezia Noin's broken both her arms and I want to tell mass with you."

Hilde squealed in delight and rushed forward to hug him tightly, before bowing at the appropriate level before him. Suddenly, the two joined the rest of the class in the mass-telling ceremony, already in perfect time together, the choir singing joyfully in the background.

"I don't think anyone saw that coming, " chibi Wing Zero whispered to chibi Deathscythe, who nodded, then turned, and with his mini-gundanium body, pirouetted through the wall, Wing Zero following.

As the class came to an end, Hilde was gushing onto Trowa about how great Zechs was, while Duo stormed angrily out of the room, only to find Quatre doing chin-ups, probably to perfect his blessing speed, and prolong his chalice-raising.

"Hey Duo," Quatre greeted brightly, "Funny thing there about Hilde and Zechs, isn't it?"

"Yeah," Duo replied absentmindedly, then suddenly asked, "Hey Quatre, what did you think about my new moves at the competitiona?"

"I dunno," Quatre shrugged, then added helpfully, "Well, you didn't win with them, didn't you not?"

"That's not the point, I just wanna know what you thought of them," Duo replied in an annoyed tone.

"Hey, calm down mate; what's wrong?" Quatre asked, hopping down and grabbing a towel to wipe the sweat off the back of his neck and body.

"That's what I've been trying to find out," Duo replied through gritted teeth, "What's wrong with me, what's so wrong with the way I wanna tell mass?"

"Don't ask me, maybe you should go back to your old routine," Quatre shrugged, then widened his eyes as he said, "Hey, you said you'd help me with the whole 'incense switch,' thing with Trowa."

"You know exactly what I think you and Trowa should do," Duo smirked, leering at Quatre, who blushed, then shook his head, as he replied, "Duo, I'm being serious."

"So am I Quat, you know you want to…"

"It's not right Duo, I wish you'd take this more serious, you'll never win with an attitude like that."

"Yeah, well maybe I don't want to," Duo huffed, as he turned and walked off.

Back in the classroom, Sister Helen was currently in a corner, hyperventilating and trying to stop herself from breaking down in front of her students.

"Come on now, God's happy so you're happy," she muttered furiously, before plastering a large, fake smile on her face, and turning around with a cry of, "Come on everyone, time to go!" as she shooed all the stragglers out of the room.

Quatre entered once again and hopped up beside Trowa; immediately at his side, and shaking his head at the questioning looks he got from Hilde and Trowa.

"He's not listening to me, it won't be long before he looses it completely," he told them, when there was a sudden cry from the other side of the room as Sister Helen burst into tears.

"Em, we'd better be going…" Hilde murmured nervously, slowly backing away, dragging Zechs with her, while Trowa and Quatre left for a 'strictly friends,' night of dinner and videos, and possibly falling asleep on the couch at Quatre's house.

"Now now Helen dear, don't be so upset," Howard smiled, putting an arm around Sister Helen's shoulder, as Wing Zero and Deathscythe ran past waving 'bye,' as the left the room.

"Father Maxwell, come on, take Helen home will you," Howard called, before turning back to Sister Helen, saying, "Now, you go home with Father Maxwell and relax, alright?"

Sister Helen sniffed and nodded gratefully, then turned to Father Maxwell – who had been pottering around in a corner with a chalice – and who had just come up to them slowly.

"Come on Helen," he said in a low tone, not even glancing at the pair, then continued on out of the room; Sister Helen looking at him with a mixture of shock and sadness.

"Don't worry, God's grace has never left us yet," Howard whispered reassuringly to her, "We'll find Duo a partner soon, you'll see."

With that , he gave her shoulder a small squeeze, before leading her out of the room. Just as he walked back in, Duo entered from the other side, now in just a tight tank top and black jeans. The two stopped, watching each other warily momentarily, before Howard smiled and said, "Don't worry Duo my lad, we'll find a new partner for you, and then there'll be no stopping you from winning the CHURCH,"

"Sure, we'll see," Duo sneered, before turning and walking into a different dance room, and Howard, with a sigh, left to go home.

(1) CHURCH – Competition of Handling and Understanding the Responsibility of Catholic Hierarchy

A/N: so there you go, waddaya think? Hope you all like, and don't forget to read and review!


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